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December 2016

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Crappy Mood, such a woman

Have you ever wished for something frequently and heavyhearted thinking God would listen and grant you that wish? My wishing is always in a form of a prayer. He's never dissapointed me before. There have been instances when I've thought to myself, "Where are you?" but in all honesty I know he's there; I am fully aware that I did something to deserve my consequence. I just never know what it is. Today's argument begun because of that...

I've been praying ever since I can remember to find a man who will love me for me. One who will understand me or at least try to, hold me when I'm cold, caress me when I least expect it, hug me when I'm feeling down, dry my tears and reassure me there's a light at the end of the tunnel. GOD answered my prayer with Arthur. He is everything I've asked for, with a few flaws, but who's perfect? I asked GOD before Arthur, to halt my dating life; to stop sending me these men that were crossing my path if they were not meant for me. I was so tired of searching and failing. Now that he's here. Now that he's chosen to be with me I just want to start my life as soon as possible with him. Start it the right way. The decent way. My father's way. I want it so bad. I want to be married by the church and begin a life of bliss with this man, knowing in my heart and mind that we'll be together forever. However, that's not happening for me. For some reason, I'm doing everything wrong. Every single word or gesture that comes out of me offends him. I don't know how to express myself around him. I can't seem to get it right. All the things I want to say...

I was watching "House Hunters" and "Love it or List it" realty television shows as Arthur slept through the entire day. As I watched, I asked myself 'Why is it that these people can do it? How do they do it?' You have to understand my frustration when I explain, I've been wanting to be a home owner, I've been wanting to work on my credit and do everything I can to be out on my own since I was 17. I'm content with where I am now, but living paycheck to paycheck is not really living. I'm so tired. Exhausted. One of the couples in the tv show were my age, 25 and 26, they had been daiting for several months, not years, months... and they wanted to be home owners before their first anniversary. They jumped at the chance of living together and committing themselves to one another... I want that. Why can't I have that? Is it because I want it so bad? (we can't always have what we want) Is it because I haven't been the most honest person in my past? Why can't I experience that happiness? When will it happen to me? And as you can see, one question leads to another. My stupidity, jealousy... they get the best of me.

What do I do? How can I fix this?

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