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Jan. 12th, 2013

Crappy Mood, such a woman

Have you ever wished for something frequently and heavyhearted thinking God would listen and grant you that wish? My wishing is always in a form of a prayer. He's never dissapointed me before. There have been instances when I've thought to myself, "Where are you?" but in all honesty I know he's there; I am fully aware that I did something to deserve my consequence. I just never know what it is. Today's argument begun because of that...

I've been praying ever since I can remember to find a man who will love me for me. One who will understand me or at least try to, hold me when I'm cold, caress me when I least expect it, hug me when I'm feeling down, dry my tears and reassure me there's a light at the end of the tunnel. GOD answered my prayer with Arthur. He is everything I've asked for, with a few flaws, but who's perfect? I asked GOD before Arthur, to halt my dating life; to stop sending me these men that were crossing my path if they were not meant for me. I was so tired of searching and failing. Now that he's here. Now that he's chosen to be with me I just want to start my life as soon as possible with him. Start it the right way. The decent way. My father's way. I want it so bad. I want to be married by the church and begin a life of bliss with this man, knowing in my heart and mind that we'll be together forever. However, that's not happening for me. For some reason, I'm doing everything wrong. Every single word or gesture that comes out of me offends him. I don't know how to express myself around him. I can't seem to get it right. All the things I want to say...

I was watching "House Hunters" and "Love it or List it" realty television shows as Arthur slept through the entire day. As I watched, I asked myself 'Why is it that these people can do it? How do they do it?' You have to understand my frustration when I explain, I've been wanting to be a home owner, I've been wanting to work on my credit and do everything I can to be out on my own since I was 17. I'm content with where I am now, but living paycheck to paycheck is not really living. I'm so tired. Exhausted. One of the couples in the tv show were my age, 25 and 26, they had been daiting for several months, not years, months... and they wanted to be home owners before their first anniversary. They jumped at the chance of living together and committing themselves to one another... I want that. Why can't I have that? Is it because I want it so bad? (we can't always have what we want) Is it because I haven't been the most honest person in my past? Why can't I experience that happiness? When will it happen to me? And as you can see, one question leads to another. My stupidity, jealousy... they get the best of me.

What do I do? How can I fix this?

Nov. 17th, 2012

Bound to you by Christina Aguilera

Sweet love, sweet love, trapped in your love
I’ve opened up unsure I can trust
My heart and I were buried in dust
Free me free us
Your all I need when I’m holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust
And boy I believe in lust
I am terrified to know for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains
I finally found my way
I am bound to you I am bound to you.

So much, so young, I faced on my own
Walls I built up, became my own
I’m strong and I’m sure there is a fire in us
Sweet love so pure
I catch my breath with just one beating heart
And I brace myself please don’t tare this apart

I found a man I can trust
And boy I believe in lust
I am terrified to know for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains
I finally found my way
I am bound to you I am bound to…

Suddenly the moments here
I embrace my fears
Knowing that I have been caring it all these years
Do I risk it all
Come this far just to fall fall

I can trust
And boy I believe in lust
I am terrified to learn for the first time
Cant you see that I’m bound in chains
And finally found my way
I am bound to you I am…
I am… I’m bound to you

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/b/burlesquelyrics/boundtoyoulyrics.html

Nov. 15th, 2012

Mamacita

When I was growing up, I heard the term "Mamacita" used by men who adored their mothers. It was a term of endearment. It meant "little mother" -- very cute. As my teenage years came around, the way I viewed people who would say that changed. Men were using it as a come'on, a pick-up line. It simply became disgusting. I hated men who said it because it was expressed in such a perverted way... demeaning, disrespectful... "Oye mamacita, que buena estas!" (Hey baby, you're so fine!) It doesn't sound as bad in English as it does in Spanish, not as vulgar but it was. Every time I would hear it I was nauseated.

I grew to loathed those words. However, I can't deny the thought of wanting someone to say that to me behind closed doors. I wouldn't mind it as much if it was said by someone who thought I was fine and lusted over me as I did for him.

I never thought I'd ever hear him say it...

The night I heard him use it. I was a taken back. I didn't know if I should say something or not because it seemed like it was an inside joke between him and his little friend. I cant lie to you though, it bothered me in such a way that I didn't want to be in the same room anymore. I wondered what he meant by it. Did he like her? Was he flirting with her? but I stopped my rippling negative thoughts when I asked myself... Does he know what that even means?

May. 22nd, 2012

Something to think about...

The last thing he said to me before he went off to bed was "I'm done"
It was only a few weeks ago he would stay and make the effort to know what was bothering me. I guess it's true everyone has their limits. Apparently I've hit his. Isn't it funny how many stages there are in relationships? How many emotions, ideas, arguments...
Sit down and think. Really think about it. And then answer me, why do we do it? Why even bother?

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